Thursday, February 21, 2008

Mortified's Super Sexy Holiday Hangover Bonus

Last week, the greeting card industry once again got America drunk on the notion that yes indeed, YOU ARE IN LOVE. Did you know that you are? No? Well, you are, whether you like it or not. Congratulations, sexy.

This week, however, we at Mortified are reeling from the annual holiday hangover. And we'd like to help you regain your emotional sobriety without too much pain.

Here's a teaser of our new romantically-challenged book, MORTIFIED: Love Is a Battlefield-- a compilation of people's actual childhood writings (letters, lyrics, journals, poetry, art). All themed to romance.

The following entry was written in 1989 by Colleen Kane, who as a teenager never met a headbanger she didn't like. In this excerpt from her journal, Colleen describes attending the hotbed of teen lust that is... a theme park.

Clearly, those who think Paris is the city of romance have never seen the majestic glow of a mullet on a rollercoaster.

* * * *

September 4, 1989

Oh my gosh! So much has happened since I got a perm! Thursday, I got my perm and was really scared, but it came out looking really nice and I look older now. Friday, I'd been at Denise A's overnight and that day we went to Great Adventure.

Two guys tried to pick us up—real geekaroos. Well one was OK. But the scuzz, Carl, was a showoff, and he tried to start a conversation with us by commenting on my Bon Jovi shirt. He said "Bon Jovi stinks." (LIES!) I turned around and glared at him. His cousin, as I learned he was later, was apologetic. He's like, "I like Bon Jovi." I turned back around. Carl, (no, I bet it's spelled the annoying way, with a K) Karl continued. "No, they really do."

I turned, glanced at his Ozzy Ozbourne t-shirt, and said, "Ozzy sucks." His cousin, Mike, said, I agree, "Ozzy does suck, and Bon Jovi's cool."

I thanked him, and Denise & I went on the Ferris wheel. Then after the ride the guys hooked up with us and came along to the Scream Machine. Embarrassing. What could we say? Go away?

That night we went to the boardwalk. We saw these guys a few times as we walked up and down and one with long brown hair was pretty cute. They said hello once as we passed. Then when waiting for our pictures to come out of the booth, one of the guys that had said hello asked me if I'd like to meet that guy over there and asked my name.

He went over to the long-haired (!) guy and told him, came back and told me his name was Mike, went back, and brought Mike and his friends and we, Denise, Mike & I walked off. We talked basically about music and Bon Jovi. He's really nice and really sweet and cute. Not hot, but cute. So after about an hour, his friends told him they had to go home.

So he had to go, but he asked for my ! He had me write it on the back of a picture he'd won of a naked woman with strategically placed limbs and beer bottle. Classy.

After that, Denise and I freaked! She was so psyched for me! Then we walked to a private part at the boardwalk and she told me about this guy who'd been calling her for awhile and I touched the sand because I hadn't touched it all summer. It was so soft. It was a starless night, as Mike had pointed out. Then we went home.

We've talked on the phone 4x, a record for me. He really likes talking to me. It's a toll call. He wants to spend all his money on calling me! He wants to ride his bike to my house! (He lives 1/2 an hour from Point Pleasant) And-- he told me I'm pretty!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! This is the first time a boy ever has!

Well, as you can imagine, my confidence is really boosted-- one reason that I'm sorta looking forward to school. I think the guys'll notice me this year, if Friday was any indication. Well, I'm gonna go brood over some cookies and milk. Bye.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Mortified's 5-Step "Valentine Survival Guide"

Ok. Want to know how to redeem yourself this Valentine's season even though you forgot to buy a gift in time?

Behold, Mortified's 5 step solution to romantic redemption.

1. Go to favorite book/music store
2. Buy Mortified: Love is a Battlefield
3. Buy the greatest hits from Air Supply
4. Give these 2 items to a lonely loved one
5. Commence dry humping

If you have a friend who is lonely and kinda bummed out this Valentine's day, I highly suggest the above 5 steps. They will thank you.

Give the gift of angst.


Monday, February 11, 2008

Mortified Endorses "Cardboard Hillary"

This just in.

Newly unearthed candidate "Cardboard Hillary" announces a running mate. Congratulations to Mortified contributor Leonard Hyman, whose relationship with CH began in the early 1990s.

While Mortified does not officially endorse any political candidate (including the real Hillary Clinton), we do think "Cardboard Hillary" has pretty damn cool taste in both fashion and friends.

Vote for "Cardboard Hillary"/Hyman in 08.